My Heart Grew Three Sizes This Christmas

"It isn't the size of the gift that matters, but the size of the heart that gives it. " - Unknown

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I am exhausted and my back is killing me. If this post is full of typos, is incomprehensible, or otherwise not up to par, please just remind yourself to keep the Christmas Spirit alive, and continue reading on. And hey... you might as well do it with a smile on your face! 

About a month ago, after spending an entire morning crazed with anxiety, I sat down to blog about the source of my frustration. I was feeling very alone and out of options. I was going to lose my mind if I kept everything bottled up inside of me. 

I asked my readers to pray for a Christmas miracle for my family, with the hope of receiving encouragement, prayer, and support from the amazing people who have lifted me up so many times before. What happened in the following weeks was nothing short of amazing and completely unexpected. It was an answer to prayer, and the miracle we desperately needed. 

The first and biggest problem that we faced was not having the money to pay our rent. I had searched long and hard to find resources that would assist us, but funding for the year was exhausted, and there was nothing available.

I was terrified at the prospect of losing our home. And to have to have that happen right before Christmas would be even worse. The stress that the situation was inflicting on me, was making me physically ill and I was almost ready to give up the fight.

Just when I was starting to lose all hope, I met the Perez family, who are members of the church that Aiden and I attend.  Anitra is a breath of fresh air with her beautiful smile and her sparkling eyes. She is outgoing, friendly, and so kind. Her husband Bert is a gentle spirit who has a lot of passion for life. They are a beautiful couple with two amazing kids - Justin & Lexi. 

Anitra and Bert are two of the most compassionate and understanding people I've ever the met. They didn't judge me or the situation I was in. They doted on Aiden who has been asking to see them again ever since. And then they generously offered to help with our rent for December. They couldn't pay everything, but promised to cover as much as they  possibly could. I can't begin to explain how their loving act of kindness touched my heart. It was the start of something beautiful that would change me forever.

A few days later our local weatherman, Steve Stucker, and his wife Rose, asked if they could stop by my house for a visit. They not only stayed to chat with me for about 20 minutes, but they also gave us a check that covered a third of our rent.  I was so stunned by their generosity and realized that their gift would probably be my saving grace (it was). I couldn't cry. I couldn't speak. My throat was choked up due to brimming emotions and all I could do was smile. I was barely able to say thank you. My only regret is that Aiden was not able to meet these two inspirational people. I hope he has the opportunity some day soon. 

With the help of these amazing families, we were only $200 short of paying rent and thankfully, Aiden's father agreed to pay the rest. I felt one thousand pounds lighter. Our rent was paid and we wouldn't lose our home... at least for this month. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure . I am so very grateful to have had the honor of meeting these amazing people. 

With the weight of the rent problem gone from my shoulders, sleep started to come a little easier at night. I knew that in a couple weeks time I would once again be looking for a way to pay my rent, but for the moment, everything was settled. And I was okay with that.

In addition to his kind gift, Steve publicly supported our cause and our Army on Facebook, where he has over 4500 followers. He's a local celebrity here in New Mexico. Knowing that the autism community has his voice, speaking on our behalf, is nothing short of amazing! I will forever be thankful to know this man with the beautiful spirit and the heart of gold.

Even with our rent paid, our problems were still many and most had no obvious solution. My utilities were three months past due and needed to be paid. Even worse was the fact that Christmas was rapidly approaching and I wasn't sure how I was going to get gifts under our tree. I had several people offer to help with gifts, but when help had not arrived with less than a week until Christmas, I began to panic. 

I spoke to my friend Dee, who recently started a group on Facebook called Helping Hands, and she ran with my request. She began searching for people who were willing to help us out. 

My sweet friend Tabby not only helped me out with part of my past due utilities, she also began spreading the word about my situation and asking her friends to help as well. 

Christmas crept closer and all of a sudden, packages began to arrive from all over the country. Packages from people who follow our page. Packages from those that Dee & Tabby had recruited to help. Every time a package arrived, I would end up in tears, joyously thanking God for his provisions and for putting these angels into my life.

 A total of seven people helped out with Christmas gifts and I've never been more overwhelmed or more humbled. More amazing still was that two people sent help in the form of gift cards. And at the last minute my mom also contributed to the cause. This allowed me to choose a couple of gifts for Aiden on my own (which I've always taken for granted... never again!) and also purchase his stocking stuffers.

Christmas Eve arrived and once Aiden was asleep, I turned on one of those cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies and sat down on the floor. I did all of my gift wrapping that night, as I do every year on Christmas Eve. With every present I wrapped, my heart swelled with love and appreciation. 

When I finished, I carefully arranged the gifts underneath our tree, propping Aiden's stocking in the front. I stood back to admire my work and was overcome with sheer joy as I looked at the final product. I had admired this Christmas tree after my Christmas Eve wrapping marathons for the last five years. I've done so and felt an almost smug satisfaction when it came time to check out the end result.

Christmas Eve 2012 - All of the gifts are wrapped !

Not this time. This time was much different.

This time I saw the array of gifts under the tree, with a new pair of eyes. I knew we had been blessed beyond measure and that cast a whole new light on this Christmas tree of mine. I felt grateful. I felt love for every single person who had contributed to help make this perfect Christmas possible for my son. The tree was stunning.

This was the most beautiful our tree had ever looked. Each one of the gifts had been given out of the goodness of someones heart. Simply because they were thinking of somebody other than themselves and knowing that made every gift even more special.

Ready for Aiden!

Sara Kirsch DeSoto, a new friend who follows my page, was sweet enough to knit a beautiful frog for Aiden. It was one of my favorite gifts, and one of his as well. We both understood the time and love that Sara put into creating this frog. It's awesome to know that it's an original... one of a kind. 

Tabby's friend Peggy Zmrhal sent a $25 Toys 'R Us gift card so I could buy a present for my little man, but sent me a very cool gift from "Santa" as well. She included a homemade Santa gift tag and a beautifully made card with the sweetest message. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy to have met my new friend, Peggy.

Not one of these wonderful people were in any way obligated to help us. They did it because they truly wanted my child to have a wonderful Christmas. They wanted it just as much as I did.

This is what Christmas is all about. The joy of giving. The pleasure of seeing humanity at it's absolute best. The opportunity to show my child that we all need a little help sometimes. 

Next Christmas, I want him to be on the other side of the fence. I want him to feel the happiness and satisfaction that giving brings. He knows the joy of receiving but now he needs to see firsthand the joy a small act of generosity can bring to a person. Lessons learned this Christmas will be a great starting point for our lesson in 2013.

Now that Christmas is over I can say that this Christmas was both the worst and the best that I've ever had.

It was worse than any other Christmas because I have lost a lot of control in my own life. I am independent, strong willed, and take pride in keeping my life in order. It was horribly embarrassing to publicly declare the state that my finances are in. The stress I endured in the weeks leading up to Christmas was intense and unrelenting. I must have cried myself to sleep at least five or six  different nights. As relieved and grateful as I was when we received help, I feel guilty that people had to help us not only with rent, but with Christmas.  It was a hard thing for me to do, but the smile on his face on Christmas morning made it so worth it.

It was the best Christmas because I was able to realize that even in the midst of this ugly world full of ugly things and ugly situations, that beauty still exists within humanity. Compassion is still somewhere inside of us all. Some of us have to dig deeper than others to find it, but I believe it's a gift we all possess. 

The love and compassion that was shown to Aiden and I this Christmas, was truly a miracle and a blessing. The majority of the help we received was from complete strangers who will now hold a special place in my heart until the day I die. 

I even made several new friends this holiday season. They are the kind of friendships that will last for a lifetime. There is no better gift than friendships of that quality. 

It really isn't about what's under the tree on Christmas morning. The iPad's, the Wii's, the DVD's, the toys... they are all fun to have, but sometimes they dampen the true meaning of Christmas. I've always known this, but now I really feel it in my heart. 

Christmas is about bringing joy to those around us. It's about loving people, even those who you don't know personally, with everything that you have and all that you are. It's about personal sacrifice in the name of helping others. If we all took the time to truly love our neighbors, do you think this world would be in it's current state? I don't. 

Putting my own struggle aside, I encountered many other families across the country this year, who were also suffering. I was able to connect many of those families with people who were willing to help. It was such a fantastic feeling to be a small part of making Christmas magical for others. 

That feeling only added fuel to a fire that had been burning within me for a very long time. An idea that had been in my mind for months finally was starting to take shape and I knew exactly how I wanted to proceed with my life. I have been consumed by the desire to pay it forward and provide the same joy for other children that has been given to my son. 

With that said, I have a HUGE announcement to make.

On January 1st, I will launch a new Facebook page and a new blog entitled, To Autism, With Love. I am in the process of turning To Autism, With Love into a non-profit organization. Our mission will be to provide certain types of  assistance to autism families throughout the year. We will also help as many families as possible with Easter baskets and Christmas gifts next year.  Stay tuned for more information over the next week! 

We have already received our first two donations, which total $125.00. This money will be used to put together the very first Autism Family Care Package and several other items that will be up for grabs in January. To find out more information, be sure to like our Facebook page and follow our blog. I will post the links to both on Monday or Tuesday. 

To each and every person who helped make our season bright, thank you! Your kindness will never, ever be forgotten and I promise to pay every bit of it forward - tenfold! 

I didn't name each individual that helped us, but please know that if I have your address, you can expect to be receiving mail from Aiden and I in the next week or so. We are grateful to you all!

Aiden with his awesome Remote Control vehicle that was sent from our friend Sandra Muldoon

Aiden loved his Glow Crazy Doodle Dome! One present Mama picked out that I knew he wanted. :)

Sara Kirsch DeSoto made this cute little frog for Aiden! She called it a hybrid of Kermit and an alien. I just call it cute!

A gift from one of our angels

Aiden loves to color! Thank you, angel!

One of Aiden's favorite gifts, courtesy of the Rosales family. Thank you!!

The crafting jackpot!! What an amazing gift! Thank you! Aiden was beyond thrilled with this gift and even gave a few coloring books to another little boy whose mom is struggling this Christmas! :)

A sweet gift from my new friend Peggy! <3 Thank you!!

A beautiful card that Peggy made. :)

The Santa gift tag that Peggy made for Aiden. She is beyond talented!

Peggy also sent a gift card that allowed me to buy Aiden a game for his Leapster from Santa to go under the tree! Thank you!

Thank you to every one of our Christmas angels. You have done more than just help our family out this holiday season, you have opened my heart to bigger and better possibilities for my life. 

So this is Christmas...

I'm dreading Christmas for the first time in my life.

I never thought I was capable of feeling this way, but as the reality of my future becomes more clear, I wish we could just skip Christmas all together. The last few years of my life have been hell tough, to say the least and I'm hoping that what is about to transpire is the grande finale. I'm beyond burnt out.


For the past two weeks, even with my own problems looming in the distance, all I could think was that  if I'm struggling this much, then there has to be other families in the depths of despair. Other families like mine. You know. The Autism Families who are struggling financially. :) And all I could think about was helping THEM. How many families aren't going to have gifts to put under the tree on Christmas Eve? It absolutely breaks my heart to think that there are kids who are going to wake up on Christmas morning without any presents.  If they are like Aiden and believe in Santa with all of their heart, they are going to be devastated when he somehow forgets to make that stop on Christmas Eve. And then last night I realized something. Aiden is about to be that child. :(

This will be the first Christmas since I became a mom that I am broke and unsure of where Aiden's gifts are going to come from. Even worse, I find myself once again scrambling to try and come up with the money for December's rent and as we began decorating for Christmas this weekend, all that ran through my mind was that if we get evicted, it's going to be heartbreaking to have to pack up our entire home... and all of our Christmas stuff before Christmas even arrives It's times like these that I wish Santa Clause was real... he would be extremely useful in this particular instance.

God blessed me greatly when he chose my mother to be the person who was responsible for giving birth to and raising me. She always, always, always made Christmas the most magical experience for my sister and I. Even when my parents were struggling financially and had nothing to spare, they always found a way to get gifts under the tree. The Christmas gifts that Santa left were always abundant... my mom has a knack for transforming seemingly insignificant things into something wonderful. When I had Aiden, I vowed to give him the same experience that my mom gave to me.

How in the world did I get here? I worked so hard to be where I was, and take care of Aiden the way that I was able to.  It's all slipping away and it's devastating. I feel like I'm just watching it happen in slow motion.

When I became disabled in 2011, I had just been promoted to a position that every girl in my industry dreamed of having. I loved my job more than almost anything, but dealing with a special needs child and my own chronic condition for over three years had taken a toll on my body and the demands of my career had become more than I could handle. My work began to suffer and everything at home began to suffer. So I made the choice to go on Short Term Disability which transitioned into Long Term Disability. My back continued to worsen and I had no choice but to have surgery in February of this year. I was in agonizing pain and I couldn't care for myself, let alone my child.  Just to show you how much pain I was in, check out the picture below. I had to sleep like that EVERY night for an entire month because I couldn't sit, stand, lay, NOTHING! It was awful.

February 2012 - 10 days before surgery

After surgery, my excruciating leg pain was gone, but my back problems remained and actually became worse. I couldn't even complete physical therapy because my back was so unstable. I started to see a new pain management doctor, who after evaluating me and reviewing my MRI's and records, said I would more than likely never be able to work again. That same day, my Long Term Disability provider called me to say that my claim had been closed and I would no longer receive my benefits.

This was a HUGE problem for me being that Aiden's dad left us in June. I was able to get him to pay our rent last month, but for December he is refusing. My electricity and gas are two months past due and I pray every night that they don't get shut off. My phone is past due. My water is past due. Everything around me is crumbling and I am helpless. 

All I can do now is trust that whatever happens is what is meant to happen and roll with the punches.

I am praying for a Christmas miracle and am asking for you to pray as well! There is power in prayer and I am begging for your help! 

I don't want to put Aiden through this right before Christmas. If I don't pay rent, we'll have to be out the week BEFORE Christmas. Which means packing up our trees. Our decorations. Our everything. I can't help but think it will be traumatizing for Aiden. To take all of his magic and wonder and pack it away in a box right before Christmas seems cruel. And the biggest issue of all is the Autism factor. We all know how DETRIMENTAL sudden change can be for our kids. It provokes uncontrolled anxiety, confusion, and disregulation. If we have to leave our home, especially in this manner, it will mess Aiden up for months. 

Over the summer Aiden had a severe episode of regression. He was extremely violent and was obsessed with death (this was triggered from my dad having a severe heart attack a few months prior), and life just was becoming a living nightmare. Nothing I did helped. Aiden wanted nothing to do with me and was so full of rage. I injured my neck and re-injured my back restraining him from hurting himself and his old behavioral therapist. He finally began to improve a few weeks into this school year and has been doing amazingly well since September. I don't want to EVER be back in that element again and I fear this move might trigger another round of violence.

And then there is my back. To pack and move is physical labor. I can't lift more than 5 lbs without ending up crooked and laid out for weeks. My Grandfather was seriously injured this past weekend in a FREAK accident (his car exploded and he sustained 2nd degree burns to his face and hand) so the entire family is trying to take care of him, which is very difficult. My mother just had foot surgery, my father has enough stress and is a survivor of sudden cardiac arrest so we can't put too much on him. My sister has a bad back and the list goes on and on. I'm on my own and I am not capable of doing it. Even if I manage to pack up, where will I store my belongings? I have no money for a storage unit.

So this is my sad story. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for pity. I've been handed the life that I have for a reason and I truly love it and embrace it. Even the not-so-good parts. But I have learned that when you need help you have to ask for it.

I need your help. I need your prayers. I know that God will take care of Aiden and I if I remain faithful. But as I said earlier, there is so much power in prayer. And there is power in numbers! Please pray that Aiden and I are blessed with a Christmas miracle! A roof over our head. Food on the table. Presents under the tree. All of the things that my amazing little boy deserves just as much as every other child! Christmas should be a magical experience for every single girl and boy! We transform into grown ups way too quickly, and the magic of Christmas gets lost. Kids should be able to enjoy it while they can. So all I'm asking is that you take one minute of your time today to pray that Aiden will have a magical, beautiful Christmas. 

Thank you for taking time out of your day to be a part of my life.

Merry Christmas!

~Amanda~