I never thought I was capable of feeling this way, but as the reality of my future becomes more clear, I wish we could just skip Christmas all together. The last few years of my life have been
For the past two weeks, even with my own problems looming in the distance, all I could think was that if I'm struggling this much, then there has to be other families in the depths of despair. Other families like mine. You know. The Autism Families who are struggling financially. :) And all I could think about was helping THEM. How many families aren't going to have gifts to put under the tree on Christmas Eve? It absolutely breaks my heart to think that there are kids who are going to wake up on Christmas morning without any presents. If they are like Aiden and believe in Santa with all of their heart, they are going to be devastated when he somehow forgets to make that stop on Christmas Eve. And then last night I realized something. Aiden is about to be that child. :(
This will be the first Christmas since I became a mom that I am broke and unsure of where Aiden's gifts are going to come from. Even worse, I find myself once again scrambling to try and come up with the money for December's rent and as we began decorating for Christmas this weekend, all that ran through my mind was that if we get evicted, it's going to be heartbreaking to have to pack up our entire home... and all of our Christmas stuff before Christmas even arrives It's times like these that I wish Santa Clause was real... he would be extremely useful in this particular instance.
God blessed me greatly when he chose my mother to be the person who was responsible for giving birth to and raising me. She always, always, always made Christmas the most magical experience for my sister and I. Even when my parents were struggling financially and had nothing to spare, they always found a way to get gifts under the tree. The Christmas gifts that Santa left were always abundant... my mom has a knack for transforming seemingly insignificant things into something wonderful. When I had Aiden, I vowed to give him the same experience that my mom gave to me.
How in the world did I get here? I worked so hard to be where I was, and take care of Aiden the way that I was able to. It's all slipping away and it's devastating. I feel like I'm just watching it happen in slow motion.
When I became disabled in 2011, I had just been promoted to a position that every girl in my industry dreamed of having. I loved my job more than almost anything, but dealing with a special needs child and my own chronic condition for over three years had taken a toll on my body and the demands of my career had become more than I could handle. My work began to suffer and everything at home began to suffer. So I made the choice to go on Short Term Disability which transitioned into Long Term Disability. My back continued to worsen and I had no choice but to have surgery in February of this year. I was in agonizing pain and I couldn't care for myself, let alone my child. Just to show you how much pain I was in, check out the picture below. I had to sleep like that EVERY night for an entire month because I couldn't sit, stand, lay, NOTHING! It was awful.
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| February 2012 - 10 days before surgery |
After surgery, my excruciating leg pain was gone, but my back problems remained and actually became worse. I couldn't even complete physical therapy because my back was so unstable. I started to see a new pain management doctor, who after evaluating me and reviewing my MRI's and records, said I would more than likely never be able to work again. That same day, my Long Term Disability provider called me to say that my claim had been closed and I would no longer receive my benefits.
This was a HUGE problem for me being that Aiden's dad left us in June. I was able to get him to pay our rent last month, but for December he is refusing. My electricity and gas are two months past due and I pray every night that they don't get shut off. My phone is past due. My water is past due. Everything around me is crumbling and I am helpless.
All I can do now is trust that whatever happens is what is meant to happen and roll with the punches.
I am praying for a Christmas miracle and am asking for you to pray as well! There is power in prayer and I am begging for your help!
I don't want to put Aiden through this right before Christmas. If I don't pay rent, we'll have to be out the week BEFORE Christmas. Which means packing up our trees. Our decorations. Our everything. I can't help but think it will be traumatizing for Aiden. To take all of his magic and wonder and pack it away in a box right before Christmas seems cruel. And the biggest issue of all is the Autism factor. We all know how DETRIMENTAL sudden change can be for our kids. It provokes uncontrolled anxiety, confusion, and disregulation. If we have to leave our home, especially in this manner, it will mess Aiden up for months.
Over the summer Aiden had a severe episode of regression. He was extremely violent and was obsessed with death (this was triggered from my dad having a severe heart attack a few months prior), and life just was becoming a living nightmare. Nothing I did helped. Aiden wanted nothing to do with me and was so full of rage. I injured my neck and re-injured my back restraining him from hurting himself and his old behavioral therapist. He finally began to improve a few weeks into this school year and has been doing amazingly well since September. I don't want to EVER be back in that element again and I fear this move might trigger another round of violence.
And then there is my back. To pack and move is physical labor. I can't lift more than 5 lbs without ending up crooked and laid out for weeks. My Grandfather was seriously injured this past weekend in a FREAK accident (his car exploded and he sustained 2nd degree burns to his face and hand) so the entire family is trying to take care of him, which is very difficult. My mother just had foot surgery, my father has enough stress and is a survivor of sudden cardiac arrest so we can't put too much on him. My sister has a bad back and the list goes on and on. I'm on my own and I am not capable of doing it. Even if I manage to pack up, where will I store my belongings? I have no money for a storage unit.
So this is my sad story. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for pity. I've been handed the life that I have for a reason and I truly love it and embrace it. Even the not-so-good parts. But I have learned that when you need help you have to ask for it.
I need your help. I need your prayers. I know that God will take care of Aiden and I if I remain faithful. But as I said earlier, there is so much power in prayer. And there is power in numbers! Please pray that Aiden and I are blessed with a Christmas miracle! A roof over our head. Food on the table. Presents under the tree. All of the things that my amazing little boy deserves just as much as every other child! Christmas should be a magical experience for every single girl and boy! We transform into grown ups way too quickly, and the magic of Christmas gets lost. Kids should be able to enjoy it while they can. So all I'm asking is that you take one minute of your time today to pray that Aiden will have a magical, beautiful Christmas.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to be a part of my life.
Merry Christmas!
~Amanda~
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